


when everything starts breaking down (you take the pieces off the ground)

by lco123



Series: Wicked Little Town: An "Ezra is A" AU [2]
Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ezra is A, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-07 08:38:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10356501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lco123/pseuds/lco123
Summary: Maybe it was a million little things stacked up on top of each other, pressing down so hard that Spencer could barely breathe.Part 1 of my "Ezra is A" AU. Spencer and Aria try to make sense of this brave new world.





	1. November

**Author's Note:**

> And here is the first official part of my 4b/5a "Ezra is A" AU! With a lot of exposition to boot - I promise subsequent chapters will have less. Also, I know that in the show November basically stretched from the beginning of 3b to the end of 5a, which makes absolutely no sense, but I'm going with it for the sake of this story.

Spencer breaks up with Toby over the phone, the day before she leaves rehab.

She doesn’t plan to do it, even though she’s been feeling the separation growing wider and wider between them. She could say it was rehab's fault, but she knows it started before that. Truthfully, it started even before the pills. Maybe it was the investigation into his mom’s death and how it forced Spencer, over and over again, to choose between Toby and her friends. Or maybe it was the way he breezed back into her life after nearly destroying it, without so much as a promising piece of intel to make the experience worthwhile. Maybe it was a million little things stacked up on top of each other, pressing down so hard that Spencer could barely breathe.

She doesn’t really know what the final straw is, but when Toby murmurs, “I’m not sure how to handle this,” all Spencer can feel is a fiery rage coiling inside her. 

“Handle _what_ , exactly?” she replies.

“Spencer…” he exhales, like he’s at the end of his rope. Like he wants to quit while he’s still ahead.

“You don’t know how to handle _me_ ,” Spencer pieces together, tone flinty. 

“I just feel like I don’t understand you anymore,” Toby tells her. He sounds so disappointed, and not long ago that disappointment would have cut right through Spencer. But not now.

“I didn’t do this _to_ you,” Spencer says. She should sound more placating, should inject some warmth into her voice. 

She should do those things, but she doesn’t. “You didn’t even know what was going on,” she adds.

“Exactly!” he replies. “You don’t tell me these important details of your life. You can’t just—”

“Disappear on you?” Spencer cuts in. “Like you’ve never done that to me?”

Toby sighs into the phone. “It shouldn’t be like that. We shouldn’t be keeping score. It isn’t healthy.”

“You’re right,” Spencer agrees, the words feeling heavy and true as she says them. She presses her palm against her mouth, knowing what she has to say next. “I don’t think _we’re_ healthy anymore.”

“What are you saying?”

Spencer feels the emotion swell in her then. _Pretending not to love you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done._ He meant that when he said it. And if he says he loves her, he might still mean it. But all the same…

It isn’t right. And if she’s being honest, it hasn’t been for a while.

“Toby, I think we need to end this.”

“Spencer!” he says urgently. “We can work through it!”

“Maybe so,” she says. “But—” She cuts herself off, the words _I don’t think I want to_ dying behind her lips.

“I love you,” Toby tells her, like they're the magic words that will fix everything. 

“I love you too,” Spencer says truthfully, wiping underneath her eyes. “But I still have to say goodbye.” 

\--

Alison arrives back in town two days before Spencer does. Apparently she just called her mother up and asked to be picked up in Philadelphia, as though it was nothing. It’s ridiculous and so Ali, just like every time she’d say something dramatic or cutting and then follow it up with a sweet smile and a “Who, me?” shrug. 

It’s all a lot for Spencer to come home to. The breakup and withdrawal would be more than enough on their own, but adding in Alison’s arrival, not to mention the fact that Aria accidentally killed Ezra, accidentally killed _A—_ it’s too much.

Spencer wants to see Alison almost as much as she’s dreading it, but for her first day back it seems too intense, so just Emily and Hanna come over instead. They bring along a muffin basket from Pam Fields and a stack of Ashley Marin’s old fashion magazines with half the pages dogeared. 

“Something to keep your mind occupied,” Hanna tells Spencer, biting her lip. “I know that when Caleb and I broke up—”

“ _Hanna_!” Emily cuts in.

Hanna shrugs defensively. “What? It’s not some big secret. Spencer went to rehab and broke up with her boyfriend. Talk about a fresh start.”

“Ignore her,” Emily instructs.

Spencer forces a small smile. The combination of emotions swirling inside her is confusing, for sure, but she feels nothing but gratitude as she looks at her friends. “I missed you guys,” she tells them. “I hated being away from you. Especially in the midst of—”

“Everything?” Hanna offers.

Spencer nods. She gingerly sits down at the kitchen island, motioning for Hanna and Emily to do the same. “How’s Aria?” She glances down at her hands. “I kind of hoped she’d come over too.”

Emily and Hanna exchange a quick look. “She wanted to,” Emily says, not entirely convincingly. “She’s just…not really leaving the house these days.”

Spencer arches an eyebrow. “She’s missing school?”

“Just for the time being,” Emily states.

Hanna huffs out a breath. “God, I’m normally jealous of people who get to skip school, but I wouldn’t trade places with Aria if you paid me in Manolos. At least when Caleb went to Ravenswood I knew he was trying to do the right thing.”

“Yeah,” Spencer murmurs. “Not plotting to kill us.” She takes a breath, noticing some more eye chatter between Hanna and Emily. “How long are you guys going to avoid bringing up Ali?”

“We’ve each only seen her once,” Emily says in a rush. “Mrs. D. is keeping a pretty close eye on her.”

“Too close for anyone to ask questions?” Spencer asks.

“The police have been by,” Emily replies. “But she hasn’t told us much. I figured you’d get more out of her.”

Spencer nods, though she can see something pass over Emily’s face. Having Alison back will be different for all of them, she knows, but Emily _loved_ her. And suddenly, that love might no longer live in the past tense.

“Everything’s going to change,” Hanna says softly. “Ali’s back, no more A.”

“Or Ezra,” Emily adds.

“Or Toby,” Spencer murmurs. She squares her shoulders. “Everything isn’t _going_ to change; it already has. And now we have to deal with it.”

\--

Even though Spencer knows, has known for weeks—though sometimes it feels like years—that Alison is alive, nothing can prepare her for the sight of Ali standing in the DiLaurentis kitchen, wearing a soft-looking sweater and a guarded half-smile.

“You’re really here,” Spencer breathes, ridiculously, and Alison nods.

“In the flesh,” she replies. Her expression doesn’t change, but there’s something in her eyes. Sadness, maybe, or regret. Spencer wonders if she’s mirroring that back to Ali.

Spencer steps forward. “Can…can I…?” Alison walks to meet her and wraps Spencer tightly in a hug. She still smells the same, and the scent nearly brings tears to Spencer’s eyes.

“You never stopped looking for me, did you?” Ali murmurs as they pull apart.

“No,” Spencer confirms. “Especially once we knew you were alive. I went a little—” She shrugs. “Well, I’m sure Emily and Hanna filled you in.”

“They did,” Alison replies, eyeing her sternly. “We talked about that, Spence. I thought you were going to stay away from that stuff.”

Spencer shakes her head, because only Ali could manage to spin this moment into a lecture, making Spencer feel like the one who has answer for her behavior. “I _am_ going to, now. I’m off it for good.” Alison looks at her skeptically, so Spencer repeats, “For good. Seriously.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Ali says. She crosses her arms. “I’m guessing you have some questions for me?”

Spencer offers her a small smile. “Only about two or three dozen.”

Alison arches an eyebrow. “My mom will be home soon, and I don’t really feel like being interrogated right now.” Spencer is surprised by the tone in her voice: not particularly cutting, mostly just tired. Like she’s lived a thousand lifetimes in the last two years.

“We don’t have to get through it all know,” Spencer says softly. “But can I just ask, did you know it was Ezra from the start?”

“No,” Ali replies, and Spencer believes her. “We had a relationship, but there was some overlap with another guy.”

“Wilden, right? He was Beach Hottie?” 

Alison looks genuinely surprised. “I’m impressed, Spence. That took some detective work.” She nods. “I thought I might be pregnant. It turned out I wasn’t, but I got freaked out, and I ended up telling Ezra.” She snorts humorlessly. “I thought Wilden was the one I should be afraid of.”

“So, Ezra is who hit you over the head?” Spencer asks.

“Yeah, I think so,” Alison says. “But it took me a long time to figure it out.” Her expression becomes harder, more pained. “There are a lot of people who wanted to hurt me, Spencer. Present company included.”

Spencer swallows, hard. “But I didn’t,” she insists, not entirely sure of it herself.

“No,” Ali confirms. “You didn’t. Melissa thought you might have, though. And that’s why there’s another girl in the ground.”

“What?” Spencer breathes, her skin feeling incredibly tight all of a sudden.

Alison nods sagely. “I found out from Shana, after the fire. Melissa needed to know if I was really alive, and that’s why she sent Shana and Jenna to Thornhill. But Shana wouldn’t do it without information.”

“What kind of information?”

“Spence,” Ali says softly. “Melissa thought you killed someone. She thought you killed _me_. She was trying to clean up after you.”

The realization thuds heavily in Spencer’s stomach. “Melissa buried that girl.”

“Yeah,” Alison murmurs. 

“But—but—” Spencer sputters. “We don’t even know who that is!”

“I expect the police will look into it now,” Ali muses.

Spencer blinks away the tears that are suddenly threatening her. Melissa’s words ring in her head: _I’ve been protecting you since it started._ Spencer never really believed her, but Melissa had been telling the truth. She wants to talk to her, but she doesn’t know where she’d even start.

So she asks another question instead. “What about Cece?”

Alison frowns. “What about her?”

Spencer clears her throat. Her mind feels like it’s more than a few steps behind, but she wants to get through a few more questions if she can. “We all thought she was A. Everything seemed to point back to her.”

“She’s in Paris now,” Ali tells her. “But we met up before and she told me everything. At first Ezra was blackmailing her into doing things for him. He knew that she pushed the girl down the stairs in college. She could still go to jail for that. And she’d lied about some other things, too. Eventually, he started paying other people off to point the finger toward her.”

Spencer nods in recognition. “Like how Mona was trying to direct us towards Melissa.”

“Exactly,” Alison says. “She did kill Wilden, but she did that for me. If he found me with Ezra still around—” She cuts herself off, her body stiffening.

“You really were afraid of him,” Spencer realizes.

“Wilden wasn’t a good guy either,” Alison states. “But Ezra… There’s something really wrong there.” She shakes her head. “There _was_ something really wrong there.”

 _One of you has been touched by the one Alison fears the most._ The Grunwald was telling the truth.

“When did you finally figure it out?” Spencer asks.

“In Ravenswood,” Ali replies. “I saw him at the apartment, after you guys left. I knew the apartment had to be A’s, but I’d never been able to stick around long enough to see who lived there.”

“But once you did—”

“Yeah,” Ali says. “Then I knew.”

Spencer wraps her arms around herself. “It’s over now, isn’t it?”

Alison smiles, just a little. “It really feels like it is this time. And you got a lot more out of me than I was expecting to give today.”

Spencer levels her gaze with Alison’s. “Can I ask you just one more thing?”

“Depends on what it is.”

Spencer asks anyway. “What have you been doing for two years?”

A shadow passes over Ali’s face. “A whole lot of nothing, with a whole lot of people who don't matter. There was a guy, Cyrus. He watched out for me at first. Not such a nice guy in the end, as it turned out.” She shrugs like it’s nothing, but Spencer sees some real pain there.

“I’m sorry,” Spencer murmurs, before considering that statement. “I’m not sure if I’ve ever said that to you.”

“Well, it’s about damn time,” Ali replies, her eyes warming up again.

Spencer waits for an apology that never comes, so instead she comments, “It’s been a long two years.”

Alison rolls her eyes. “Oh honey, you don’t know the half of it.”

The tone is so familiar that it makes Spencer’s hair stand on end. “It needs to be different now, Ali,” she insists. “If you’re going to be back, you can’t shut us out anymore. You can’t pit us against each other.”

Alison refolds her arms. “Is that so?”

“It is,” Spencer says, resolute. “I’m serious. Hanna and Emily and Aria—they mean everything to me. I need them now more than ever.”

“You sound like me.”

“Ali,” Spencer states sternly.

Alison’s gaze softens slightly. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I just want my life back.”

Spencer doesn’t say what she’s thinking: that she doesn’t trust Alison fully and is unsure if she ever will. But Ali is here, and letting her back in is a risk that Spencer will just have to take, for now.

“Okay,” Spencer says, letting herself smile. “Welcome home, Alison.”

\--

Spencer decides to get all—or at least most—of her emotional meetings over in one day, so she heads over to Aria’s after leaving Alison’s house.

She doesn’t call first, because she really isn’t sure if Aria wants to see her, but Spencer know that they need to see one another. She’s pretty sure that Byron is at work and Mike has lacrosse, and maybe she timed it that way on purpose so that they’d have the space to really talk.

To Spencer’s surprise, Aria answers the door immediately. “Oh,” Aria says, deflating slightly. “I didn’t expect you.”

“You shouldn’t answer the door if you don’t know who’s on the other side,” Spencer tells her warmly. “Can I come in?”

Aria seems to consider that for a second before nodding and stepping aside. She looks pretty bad—she's clearly been crying off and on, and she's wearing a pair of pajamas that definitely haven’t been washed in a few days—but no worse than Spencer expected.

And hey, Spencer thinks darkly, at least she’s managed to stay out of a mental institution. 

“Have you seen Ali?” Spencer asks once they’re seated in the living room. She takes the arm chair while Aria curls into herself on the couch.

“Yeah,” Aria replies, throat scratchy. “She came by yesterday.”

“It’s weird having her back, isn’t it?”

“Everything’s weird right now, Spence,” Aria murmurs. She looks like she might cry again, so Spencer scoots forward and reaches out to take Aria’s hand. Aria doesn’t react at first, but then she flips her palm over.

“I’m so sorry,” Spencer whispers, feeling a hitch in her own voice. “I never wanted you to have to go through this. That’s why I didn’t tell you right away, because I kept hoping I’d realize I’d missed something.”

“But you didn’t,” Aria says quietly.

“No,” Spencer replies. “It all kept falling into place, like dominoes.”

“Ali told me everything,” Aria states. “I just—I feel—”

“I know.” Spencer strokes her thumb over the backs of Aria’s fingers. 

“I don’t blame you,” Aria tells her. “Maybe I did, in a way, because you’d figured it out first. But I don’t anymore.”

“Okay,” Spencer says simply, because even though it doesn’t make sense for Aria to blame her, she gets it.

Aria sighs tearfully. “I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love again.”

Spencer very nearly rolls her eyes but stops herself in time. “Of course you’ll fall in love again. You just need time. You’re only seventeen.” She knows that’s a statement Aria won’t like, because Aria hates being reminded of her age, of the years of love and death still waiting for her on the horizon. Aria likes to think of herself as sophisticated and emotionally intelligent, wise beyond her years with a lifetime of stories behind her, because in once sense she _is_ all of those things, but she is seventeen, also.

And yet Aria doesn’t snap at her or even scowl in reply. She merely looks up at Spencer, eyes shiny, and says in a small voice, “Maybe.”

And it is so sad, breaking Spencer’s heart so completely, that she gets off the armchair and sits down on the couch next to Aria. She pulls Aria close against her chest as Aria’s tears turn into genuine sobs.

“It’s okay,” Spencer tells her, but what she really means is,  _I’m here. I’m here, and I won’t let you go._


	2. December

Spencer keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Alison is back in school, which is weird, though not as weird as it seems like it should be. Spencer still jumps every time her phone beeps, but it’s been a couple of weeks, and by now, even the joking A-messages from fellow students have subsided. 

Thanksgiving came and went without major incident. Melissa didn’t show, unsurprisingly, announcing that she’d love to get away but that work was simply too busy. A month ago, that would have enraged Spencer. She would have called Melissa and demanded the truth about everything related to That Night. But now…

Spencer finds that she doesn’t want to know. Not just yet. Because Melissa must have had a reason for thinking that Spencer hurt Alison, and that reason could be, quite simply, that Spencer _did_ hurt someone. Alison may be alive, but a girl is still dead, and though the police have yet to identify her, Spencer knows it’s only a matter of time. It’s a dark thought, and an unpleasant one, but Spencer thinks it all the same: as long as the girl in the grave can remain anonymous, Spencer is going to do what she can to not know about her.

It goes against everything in Spencer’s nature, and yet it’s where she finds herself in the early weeks of December. Her lack of a relationship and the lack of A have freed her schedule up considerably, so she’s thrown herself headfirst into her studies and the debate team. She doesn’t think about Toby very often, and when she does, their relationship feels firmly rooted in the past. And she's making an effort to spend more time with her friends, though it definitely seems like they all have stuff going on that they don’t want to talk about.

All except for Aria, unexpectedly. It’s a funny thing—everything with Ezra _should_ have pulled them further apart. After all, Spencer was keeping something from Aria, something which turned out to be entirely terrible and entirely true. And Alison being back seemed destined to divide them, in one way or another. But as the month wears on, Spencer finds herself spending more time with Aria than she has in a long time, which feels really nice.

“I like this,” Aria comments one day as they’re leaving the Brew.

“Like what?” Spencer asks. She holds the door for Aria, shivering when the cold breeze hits her. The temperature has dropped a few degrees in the time they’ve been inside talking.

Aria steps outside. “Hanging out with you. Just the two of us.” She looks up at Spencer, an unreadable expression in her eyes, before linking her arm with Spencer’s. “You’re the only one who can understand it.”

“Understand what?” Spencer asks, leaning into Aria’s side for warmth.

“What it feels like when the person you thought you loved most was lying about everything,” Aria says softly. “I know Toby wasn’t, ultimately, but…”

“It feels like the world in ending,” Spencer murmurs. “Like all the things you were sure about are completely different from what you believed.”

Aria nods slowly. “Like I said, you get it.” She grows quiet then, her grip on Spencer’s arm tightening.

Spencer wants to offer her something, so she suggests, “Want to come over tonight? We could watch a movie or something.”

“I’d like that,” Aria says immediately, smiling slightly. The sight is so unexpected that it makes Spencer break out in an uncontrollable grin, and Aria raises an eyebrow at her in return. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“It’s been a while since I saw you smile,” Spencer replies, trying to control her face. “It’s a nice thing to see.”

Aria doesn’t respond to that, but she looks a little pleased. “Can we stop by the old video store on Market Street?” she asks.

Spencer rolls her eyes, even though she knows they’ll probably end up going. “It’s totally out of the way, and you know we have Netflix at my house!”

“But they have all the really good old movies,” Aria tells her, as if Spencer didn’t already know that. She tugs on Spencer’s arm. “C’mon, you love film noir!”

“Ugh, I think I’ve had it with that genre,” Spencer mutters, shaking her head at the bizarre fake memories her addled imagination had drummed up.

“Then how about a romance?” Aria suggests. “Something old and dramatic that we can both cry over?”

“You want to make yourself feel sad?” Spencer asks.

Aria shrugs. “I don’t know. It sounds kind of nice to be sad over fictional characters for a change, instead of myself.”

Spencer nods. “Weirdly, I kind of get that.” They get to her car so Aria pulls away from Spencer’s side. The rush of cold Spencer feels is surprising. “Alright, get in,” she instructs. “We’re about to make that old video store owner’s day.”

They have to drive a good twenty minutes in the opposite direction of Spencer’s house, but the look of happiness on Aria’s face might just make the whole trip worth it.

 _Sabrina_ ends up being Aria’s pick, which isn’t a huge shock since she’s always loved Audrey Hepburn. Spencer’s seen the movie a couple of times and it’s far from her favorite—Sabrina isn’t exactly a strong female character—but Aria adores the film, with it’s sweeping romance, and that’s really all that counts.

Spencer is half paying attention and thinking about making more popcorn when a line from the movie catches her ear. _“I have learned how to live, how to be in the world and of the world, and not just to stand aside and watch. And I will never, never again run away from life. Or from love, either.”_

“Aria,” Spencer says suddenly.

“Hmm?” Aria pauses the movie, looking at Spencer expectantly.

Spencer frowns, trying to get her words together. “Remember what you said before, about thinking you wouldn’t fall in love again?”

“Yeah?” Aria replies with a puzzled expression.

“Do you still feel that way?” Spencer asks. She’s not even sure why she’s verbalizing this question, but the answer feels important, somehow.

Aria seems to consider that for a second. “I don’t know,” she says after a moment. “I don’t think so. Why?”

 _Why?_ Spencer repeats in her head, wondering the same thing herself. “I guess I just…don’t want you to give up,” she pieces together. “There’s so much that can still happen.”

Aria nods, as though she’s taking that in. “Okay. Thanks.” She picks up the remote again but hesitates before restarting the movie. “You shouldn’t give up either, you know,” she tells Spencer, eyes still glued to the screen. 

“I won’t,” Spencer promises. She isn’t sure why, but she ends up mostly watching Aria for the rest of the movie.

\--

Movie night starts to become kind of a regular thing. It’s always just Aria and Spencer, partially because they’re the only two who like old movies, and partially because Emily, Hanna and Alison all seem to have their own private dramas going on.

Aria and Spencer switch off houses, but the nights almost always end in one of them sleeping over. Which Spencer didn’t think too much about, at first, but now she’s starting to wonder if they might be getting a little old for sleepovers. Or at least sleepovers where they share a bed. The last few times Aria has slept over, Spencer has somehow felt too big to share a bed with her, as though there isn’t enough space for the two of them. Which is a ridiculous thought, when Aria is by far the smallest of her friends, and Spencer doesn’t feel that way at all if Hanna or Emily spend the night. 

But Aria doesn’t seem to mind, and sometimes she’ll even snuggle into Spencer’s side in her sleep—a gesture which Spencer enjoys in the moment but always feels a little weird about in the morning. She isn’t going to make a big deal of it, though, especially since doing so might jeopardize their new routine.

On one such night as Spencer is pulling the pillows off her bed, she can feel Aria eyeing her from the doorway.

Spencer raises her gaze. “What?” she says self-consciously. Aria is staring at her like a cat might consider a high jump. It’s unnerving.

“Can I do your hair?” Aria asks.

“Huh?” Spencer replies. Aria hasn’t done her hair hair since they were fifteen, and even then it was at the behest of Alison. Aria wanted to put streaks in Spencer’s hair or give her big, fabulous curls, but Ali announced that that wasn’t appropriate for a Hastings and insisted on an updo instead. Spencer’s hair was pulled so tight that it gave her a pounding headache, but she refused to let it down until Ali went home. Once she did, Aria let Spencer rest her head in her lap and carefully pulled out every pin.

“You heard me,” Aria murmurs. “It sounds like fun.” She blinks up at Spencer, eyes huge. “Please?”

Spencer shakes her head with a chuckle. It’s been pretty hard to say no to Aria these days, and besides, she’s always enjoyed the feeling of someone playing with her hair. She sits down on the bed with her back facing Aria and starts to tug her hair out of its tie.

“Uh uh uh,” Aria tut-tuts at her. “I’ll do that.” Spencer feels the bed dip softly as Aria climbs on, and then small fingers are sliding her hair tie out. Aria combs her fingers through, twisting them through Spencer’s curls, and suddenly Spencer has to bite down on a gasp as she feels a slight tug on her scalp. It occurs to her that no one has touched her this intimately since Toby, and that was nearly a month ago. Aria’s movements are unhurried and gentle, but they still send tingles all the way down Spencer’s spine. She tries to relax, but she feels so aware of her own body, all of a sudden. Especially in relation to Aria’s.

“I’m going to give you a French braid,” Aria decides after a moment.

“A French braid,” Spencer echoes, working hard to mask whatever it is her physical form is currently going through. “Awesome.”

“You okay?” Aria asks.

“Sure,” Spencer lies. She rubs her hands against her knees, willing Aria to start moving faster.

Aria makes a humming noise in the back of her throat, like she doesn’t quite believe Spencer, but she doesn’t say anything else, merely gets to work on the braid. Spencer tries to remain as still as possible, even though she knows all her hairs are standing on end. Maybe Aria senses her discomfort because she does start picking up speed; Spencer can feel her fingers start to move at a rapid pace, which is what she remembers from when they were younger.

“I forgot how good you are at this,” Spencer comments, her voice only a bit too high.

“Thanks,” Aria replies. “We’re almost done.” She pauses her movements, securing the hair tie back in place. “Voila! Go take a look.”

Spencer gets up off the bed, grateful but also not to have Aria’s hands away from her, and peers in the mirror. It’s hard to see from the front, but when she twists her head to the side she can see what Aria’s done. “Wow. Nice job. It looks beautiful.”

Aria comes up behind her with a smile, admiring her handiwork. “ _You_ are beautiful,” she states with authority. “Doesn’t take much to make your hair look that way, too.”

Spencer turns around to face her. “Thank you,” she says softly.

“It’s true.” Aria gazes at Spencer warmly before refocusing her eyes near Spencer’s mouth. Spencer’s skin starts to get that tight, buzzing feeling again, but then Aria reaches her hand up and carefully plucks an eyelash off Spencer’s cheek. 

“Make a wish,” Aria instructs.

Spencer exhales heavily, and the air blows the eyelash off of Aria’s finger before Spencer has time to think of something.

Aria frowns. “Oh. Too bad.” She turns back around toward the bed. “I’m gonna go to sleep.”

Spencer closes her eyes. She feels oddly dizzy, and her pulse is racing. “Me too,” she murmurs, pointedly looking everywhere but at Aria.

That night, Spencer puts as much space between their bodies as she possibly can, but try as she might, she can't sleep at all.

\--

“What do you guys want to do for New Year’s Eve?” Spencer asks. It’s the day after Christmas and the five of them are getting coffee at the Brew.

“Oh, uh, I have plans,” Hanna replies, sounding distracted.

“With who?” Emily asks. 

“ _Whom_ ,” Spencer corrects. “And is it Travis?”

Hanna scowls at her. “What? No. I just have plans, okay?”

Spencer and Aria exchange a look. Hanna’s been a little edgy, lately. Really the change happened since Alison got back. It’s not just the dark streaks in her hair; it’s almost like a darkness has taken hold of Hanna herself.

Spencer is worried about her, but Hanna hasn’t wanted to talk about it. And she isn’t flinching when her phone beeps, so that makes Spencer feel marginally better.

“I have to go,” Hanna says suddenly, grabbing her coffee off the table. “I’ll see you guys.”

“Han!” Emily says. “Call me later, okay?”

Hanna nods, but it doesn’t feel very committal, and then she’s out the door without another word.

“What’s up with her?” Aria asks.

“She’s fine,” Alison pronounces. “A girl’s allowed to have some secrets.”

“Not from us,” Spencer says automatically. Alison gives her a strange look, so Spencer clarifies, “I mean, of course she’s _allowed_. But if something’s going on, she usually tells us about it.”

“Maybe she just needs some time,” Emily posits.

“Maybe,” Spencer replies with uncertainty.

“Did Melissa ever show at Christmas dinner?” Alison asks her.

Spencer shakes her head. “Nope. She got ‘caught up with work again,’” she explains, using air-quotes to punctuate her statement. 

“You know you’re going to have to talk to her about what happened That Night soon, right?” Alison tells her.

“My mom talked to some people at the station,” Emily adds. “It sounds like the cops are almost ready to release the I.D. on that girl.”

“Guys, give Spence a break,” Aria says sharply. “This isn’t exactly an easy conversation we’re asking her to have. And it’s not like A is around to make any of us look bad here.”

“A might not have to,” Spencer murmurs. “If I hurt someone—”

“Hey,” Aria cuts in, covering Spencer’s hand with her own. “Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?”

Spencer nods. “Okay.”

Emily clears her throat. “So, New Year’s. What are we thinking?”

Alison shrugs. “Noel is having a party at his family’s cabin. Could be fun.”

“I think I’ve spent enough time at that cabin for one lifetime,” Spencer says.

“Ditto,” Emily mutters.

Alison’s eyes dart between them, like she wants to ask some questions and is tired of playing catch-up, but instead she says, “Or we could hang at my house.”

“Won’t your mom be there?” Aria asks.

Alison smirks in such a way that Spencer almost expects her next words to have something to do with immortality. “I can get her out of the house for one night, I’m sure.”

It turns out, Ali's right. New Year’s Eve finds the four of them at the DiLaurentis house, watching New Year’s Rockin’ Eve on TV and trying not to worry about where Hanna might be. As parties go, it isn’t their most somber, but it doesn’t feel particularly joyous.

“Anyone want a refill?” Alison asks, heading toward the kitchen. Spencer hasn’t intentionally kept track, but she’s pretty sure that Ali is on her third drink.

“No thanks,” Aria replies. Chewing her lip, she turns toward Spencer. “You just have soda in that cup, right?”

Spencer chuckles mirthlessly. “Yes, Aria, for the second time, I am not jeopardizing my sobriety. Even though I think it would be fine for me to drink.”

“Maybe down the line,” Aria says, like she has any idea of what she’s talking about. “But at least for the time being, can you not?” She looks up at Spencer pleadingly. “I don’t want you to go away again.”

Spencer softens immediately at that. “I don’t want to go away again either.” She scoots a little closer to Aria on the couch, pleased when Aria tilts her head onto Spencer’s shoulder.

Spencer closes her eyes as Emily and Alison come join them, and she might drift off to sleep for a second because when she opens her eyes, Aria is exclaiming, “It’s starting!”

“ _Ten! Nine! Eight!_ ” Ryan Seacrest chants on the TV.

Spencer lifts her head groggily. “Where did Emily and Ali go?” she asks.

Aria shakes her head. “Beats me. They disappeared a few minutes ago.”

_“Five! Four! Three!”_

Spencer studies Aria, seeing something in her eyes that looks a bit like hope. It makes Spencer feel a little lighter. 

_“Two! One! Happy New Year!”_

The crowd on TV explodes in excitement, while Spencer tries to look like she’s been watching the screen this whole time. But then Aria leans toward her, placing a hand on Spencer’s shoulder, and for one eternity of a second Spencer is pretty sure Aria is actually going to kiss her on the mouth. At the last second, her lips dart to Spencer’s cheek.

“Happy New Year, Spence.”

Spencer gulps. Her fingernails are digging into her palm so hard that she wouldn’t be surprised to find blood there, but she still manages to plaster a smile on her face. “Happy New Year, Aria.”

She _wanted_ it. She _wanted_ Aria to kiss her.

Hanna’s words ring in her head: _Talk about a fresh start._

Oh god.

When Spencer wondered if the other shoe was going to drop? This is _so_ not what she had in mind.


	3. January

The dead girl who isn’t Alison is identified at the beginning of January as Bethany Young, an escaped patient from Radley. A difficult girl, by all accounts, without any family to claim her body. It’s tragic—a cold, dark end to a cold, dark life—and yet a small, terrible part of Spencer is grateful. The police will investigate whatever happened, to be sure, but with no family to lead the charge, there won’t be much drive to close the case after two-plus years.

Alison DiLaurentis is home. That’s what matters to the police. This other girl is little more than an unfortunate causality.

All the same, the knowledge of this girl’s name makes Spencer feel queasy. There are no pictures of Bethany Young online, but Spencer can imagine her face, so similar to Alison’s, but different in certain ways. Perhaps with a sharper chin or a wider nose. When Spencer wakes up from her third Bethany-themed nightmare in a week, she knows it’s time to get some answers.

She wants to call Aria, right off the bat, but things have been weird since New Year's. It’s not like she’s been staying away from Aria, full-stop. But they haven’t had a movie night in a couple of weeks. Spencer’s claimed busyness, has blamed it on her course-load and the debate team. She feels bad lying to Aria ( _again_ , her mind chants guiltily) but it feels necessary, at least for now. Spencer doesn’t know what is going on between the two of them, or even if anything _is_ going on; it might all just be in her own head. Either way, it seems prudent to put a little space between the two of them until she figures it out.

So she finally makes the call that she’s spent over a month avoiding. “Spencer,” Melissa answers curtly. “And to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“You’ve heard the news?” Spencer asks, not bothering with any other greeting.

“What news?” Melissa replies. “There’s always something happening in Rosewood.”

“You know what I’m talking about,” Spencer insists. “The girl who everyone thought was Alison. Bethany Young.”

“Oh yes,” Melissa sighs. “Mom told me about her. What a horrible story.” Her voice is working hard to sound light and airy, as if they’re just swapping town gossip, but Spencer knows Melissa well enough to hear some fear beneath it all.

“ _Melissa,_ ” Spencer says sternly. “You need to tell me the truth. I know, okay?”

“Know what?”

Spencer takes a breath. “I know that you buried that girl.”

Spencer thinks she hears Melissa catch herself one second before gasping. “How do you know about that?”

“You told Shana, remember? Your version of collateral. And then she told Alison and Alison told me.”

“Dammit!” Melissa exclaims. “Don’t you girls know how to keep your mouths shut? This isn’t a game of telephone!”

“I know,” Spencer replies, trying to keep her voice level. “Of course it isn’t a game. A girl is dead.”

“What do you want me to do about it now?” Melissa demands. “Turn myself in? How will that solve anything?”

“I’m not sure that it would,” Spencer says honestly. “But I need to know what happened. Alison said that you thought I did it.”

Melissa is quiet for a second. “I lied about that part.”

“You didn’t think I did it?”

“No,” Melissa clarifies. “I didn’t have to _think_. I know you did it, Spencer. I saw you.”

The words fall heavy like a stone in Spencer’s stomach. “What?”

“You and Alison had an argument,” Melissa says softly. “And Alison must have walked away, but I didn’t see that part. All I saw was you hitting a girl over the head with a shovel. It was like this rage took over you, but then it was done, and you walked away. It was dark, and she was blonde and dressed exactly like Alison. I just assumed—” She swallows. “I thought that nobody had to know. All I wanted to do was protect you. I couldn’t look at her face, so I pushed her in and covered her up and I didn’t tell anybody about what I did. Or what you did.”

“I—,” Spencer gapes, wiping tears from her face. “I tried to hurt Alison?”

_She was hit so hard it dented her skull._

“She tried to hurt all of us!” Melissa insists. “There were so many people who wanted to hurt her. It felt like everyone who ever made the mistake of touching Ali was there that night. What’s that line from _The Tempest_? ‘This island is full of noises.’ Spencer, you were not alone in that desire.”

“But I acted on it,” Spencer whispers. “And it wasn’t even Ali. It was some other girl.”

“I know,” Melissa murmurs. “She was a stranger and I buried her alive. Because I wanted to protect you. I _did_ protect you. That whole summer, you were like a completely different person. The drugs made you lose time and lash out. When I saw what you had done, I knew I should have done more earlier to help you get it under control. But that night, I realized there was still something I could to help you.”

_There was dirt in her lungs. The blow to the head isn’t what killed her._

Spencer tips her forehead into her hands. She knows a bad headache is coming on, but she doesn’t really care. “Do Mom and Dad know?”

“No,” Melissa tells her. “But I think they suspected one of us had something to do with it.”

“The detective that they hired,” Spencer puts together.

“Yeah,” Melissa replies. “They may have thought it was Ian, or one of us. Now that they know Alison’s alive, I’m not sure _what_ they think.”

“Why was Bethany Young dressed like Alison?” Spencer asks.

“I don’t know,” Melissa says, and Spencer believes her. “I’ve been trying to figure that out myself ever since Ali got back.”

Spencer nods, mostly because the motion feels like the only thing preventing her from passing out. “What do we do now?” she asks very quietly.

“Nothing,” Melissa replies with authority. “We don’t do anything. Neither one of us intended to kill that girl, and admitting what happened to the police or Mom and Dad isn’t going to bring her back.”

“Melissa,” Spencer murmurs, though she doesn’t have a better idea.

“Listen to me, Spencer,” Melissa says directly. “I didn’t do what I did so we could both go to jail. Our family has a gift for self-preservation, and I know that that’s a slippery slope. But I’m not letting this ruin my life, or your life. I love you. No matter what’s already happened, I do.”

“This is not about love,” Spencer protests. “If it were about love, then there wouldn’t be bodies buried in backyards up and down the street. This is about lies and violence and a girl who we both had a hand in killing.”

“You’re right,” Melissa concedes.

“I am?”

“Yes. But it’s still about love. Sometimes people do things they can’t explain. Things that they regret. But it is still about love.” Melissa sighs. “I’ll ask again: what’s solved by us admitting what happened?”

Spencer blinks slowly, feeling more tears spill down her cheeks. She thinks about everything that’s come before, and the life she still wants to live. Gets to live, now that A is gone. “Nothing,” she admits. “It isn’t going to solve anything.”

“I have lived with this guilt for two years,” Melissa tells her. “Believe me when I say, it is prison enough.”

“All that time I was accusing you of this or that, and you knew what had happened,” Spencer recognizes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“At a certain point I realized you genuinely didn’t remember,” Melissa replies. “And I guess I thought that you should get to live without those memories, if you could.”

“I still don’t remember,” Spencer says. She doesn’t; try as she might, she hasn’t been able to conjure a single memory of her fight with Ali, or of hitting that girl with the shovel.

“That’s good,” Melissa affirms. “I hope it stays that way.”

Spencer sniffs, running another hand under her eye. “What’s going to happen to you?” she asks.

“I’m going to stay here for a while. Work _has_ kept me busy, and it just seems best until everything dies down.” She pauses. “That was a poor choice of words.”

Spencer thinks about her own lie to Aria about being too busy: so small in comparison, and yet similar in nature. The avoidance seems silly, now. “We really are sisters, aren’t we?”

“No mistaking us for anything else,” Melissa says immediately.

“I love you,” Spencer says, and she means it.

“I know,” Melissa tells her. “I love you too, Spencer.”

Spencer takes a shaky breath. “Goodbye, Melissa.”

\--

Spencer doesn’t know how to feel in the aftermath of her conversation with Melissa. The thing Melissa said about guilt being a prison is no joke; Spencer can forget what she did, for a moment, but never any longer, and when she _does_ remember, the knowledge makes her entire body feel cold and heavy. Spencer can’t tell her friends, at least not yet. Maybe not ever. Maybe this is one secret she and Melissa will take to the grave.

Unsurprisingly, the police investigation into Bethany Young’s death dries up by mid-January. Spencer tries to mask her relief when the police announce that the case has gone cold, but it doesn’t alleviate her guilt, just her immediate fear.

And yet, at the same time, the situation has made Spencer aware of how lucky she is. She and Melissa could both be behind bars. But they’re not. They get to live. It makes Spencer want to do things differently.

So one afternoon after school, she invites Aria over for another movie night. Aria beams when she receives the invitation. “I know you’ve been busy,” she tells Spencer. “But I’ve missed you.”

Spencer smiles. “I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry I got so caught up.”

Aria shakes her head, looping an arm through Spencer’s as they make their way out of the school. “You don’t have to apologize. I’d just gotten used to it, is all.”

Spencer lets Aria choose the movie, and Aria says she’s in the mood for something light so she picks _What A Way To Go!_ The movie is visually stunning but completely ridiculous, and Spencer stops paying attention less than halfway through. She likes the sound of Aria’s laugh, though, so she doesn’t particularly mind the choice.

“I loved everything she wore,” Aria comments when the movie is over.

“Mmm hmm,” Spencer replies noncommittally.

Aria raises an eyebrow. “You hated it, didn’t you?”

Spencer shakes her head. “No...” she says in a way that makes it sound like a question. “It just wouldn’t have been my first pick.”

Aria frowns. “You always let me pick. You have veto-power, y’know.”

“I know,” Spencer replies. “But you were so excited when you saw the store had this one.” She shrugs. “I like when you’re happy.”

Aria scoots a little closer on the couch, turning to face Spencer and propping her head on her arm. “I like when you’re happy, too,” she says softly. Too softly, really, for where this conversation started.

Spencer nods. Aria is looking at her expectantly with her huge, beautiful eyes, and Spencer finds herself at a loss for words.

Finally Aria looks away. “Anyway,” she murmurs. “I think you should pick the movie next time.”

Spencer clears her throat and stands up. “Yeah, I’ll do that. Ready for bed?”

“Sure,” Aria replies, rising to join her.

When Spencer wakes up in the night, Aria’s body is curled around hers in bed. This time, Spencer doesn’t try to move away. She merely smiles and goes back to sleep.

\--

“I heard you guys talking about him,” Aria says out of the blue one morning.

They’re in Spencer’s car outside the Brew, waiting for Emily to bring out their coffees.

“What?” Spencer asks.

“Ezra,” Aria clarifies, still staring straight ahead. “We were at school, and I heard you talking about how you thought he might be A.”

“Aria…” Spencer murmurs, turning to look at her.

“I was so mad,” Aria continues. “I thought you had to be wrong. I thought—I thought maybe you’d gone crazy again. I wanted to confront you, but I knew if I was going to do that I needed proof. So I went to the cabin when I knew he wouldn’t be there, and I went through everything. And that’s when I figured it out.”

“Aria, I’m sorry,” Spencer says softly, because she doesn’t know what else to say.

“Of course, he found out I was there. Probably because I tried his security code so many times. And it turned out you weren’t wrong.” Aria turns to face her. “You weren’t wrong about anything.”

“I’m wrong about a lot,” Spencer assures her. 

Aria shakes her head. “Not the stuff that really matters.”

“I was scared,” Spencer admits. “I should have told you right away, but I didn’t want to lose you.”

Aria takes Spencer’s hand, interlacing their fingers. “That could never happen.”

Spencer smiles, just a little, pleased when Aria smiles back at her. Outside it’s raining, and the sound makes the moment feel like theirs, like she and Aria might be the only two people in the world.

Until one of the car doors in wrenched open and a sopping wet Emily plops down behind them. “It’s awful out there!” she complains. “But I got our coffees.”

“Thanks, Em,” Spencer says quietly. Emily must hear something weird in her voice, because she catches Spencer’s eye in the rearview mirror and mouths, _You okay?_

Spencer nods, too quickly, and starts the car. No one says another word the entire drive to school.

\--

“So, hypothetically,” Spencer mentions to Emily about a week later, “do you think dating a close friend would change things, too much?”

“What are you talking about?” Emily snaps, eyes widening. Spencer looks at her in confusion, and Emily softens. “Oh, you’re talking about you and Aria.”

Spencer opens her mouth to protest but Emily merely waves her off. “Spence, it’s okay.” She chuckles slightly, muttering, “Man, when it rains, it pours, huh?”

Spencer wrinkles her brow. “Wait, what? It isn’t raining anymore.”

“Never mind,” Emily dismisses. 

“And how do you know this is about Aria?” Spencer asks.

“Well, who else would it be about?” Emily counters.

Spencer sighs, running a hand through her hair. “I don’t know what’s going on. After everything with Ezra I just—I mean, she was _so_ hurt by that, and I—”

“Spencer,” Emily cuts in gently. “Did you ever think that maybe there was more than one reason you got so obsessed with proving Ezra was A?”

“Because he was,” Spencer replies. “And I needed to be sure about it.”

Emily nods. “Okay, yes. But maybe there was something else going on. You were so concerned about losing Aria, and about proving the guy she was dating was bad news.”

“He _was_ bad news, Emily,” Spencer replies sharply.

“I’m not denying that,” Emily acknowledges. “But do you think part of you was jealous? Or that maybe by thinking about Aria so much, you started to realize some things?”

“What things?”

Emily looks at her warmly. “ _Gay_ things, perhaps?”

Spencer frowns. Emily might be on to her, much more than she expected. “How long have you thought this?”

“Not that long,” Emily replies. “But ever since Ezra—” She stops herself. “Ever since you got back, it seems like something’s been going on between you two.”

Spencer blinks a couple of times. “I didn’t think it was obvious. I’m not even sure what it all means.”

“You don’t have to be,” Emily tells her. “But I think you and Aria should talk.”

Something clicks when Spencer hears that. “Has Aria spoken to you about this?”

Emily averts her gaze. She never was a good liar. “Like I said, you two should talk.”

\--

Spencer has a plan. She’s going to have one more movie night with Aria, to see how things feel, and then she’s going to figure out a time for them to talk. It’s a relatively good plan, she thinks, but it seems that Aria has different ideas, because they’re near the end of  _Notorious—_ Spencer's pick _—_ when Aria pauses the movie.

“What’s up?” Spencer asks. “I thought you liked this part.” On screen, Ingrid Bergman has just realized that she's been poisoned.

Aria looks over at her. “It turns out you may have been right.”

Spencer quirks an eyebrow. “I’m right about a lot of things. You’ll have to be more specific.”

Aria turns her focus back toward the fireplace. The rain turned to snow a few days ago, and the fire has been a nice comfort tonight. “You said that I would fall in love again.”

Spencer’s breath hitches. “I—I did say that, didn’t I?”

Aria looks at her, smiling just a bit. “Spencer,” she says softly. “It isn’t just me, is it?”

Spencer exhales shakily. It’s like a lock is clicking into place. “It definitely isn’t just you.”

Aria nods, still smiling but with a shimmer in her eyes. “I’m not sure if I’m ready for this.”

“I’m not sure you are either,” Spencer admits. “Or if _I_ am, for that matter.”

“I don’t even know what _this_ is,” Aria continues, gesturing between them. “But—”

“What?” Spencer whispers.

“It feels like it could be good, right?”

Something blooms in Spencer’s chest at that. “Yeah, it feels that way to me.”

“Okay.”

Spencer looks ahead at the fire, then back at Aria. “Do you want to be?” she asks. Aria tilts her head to the side. “Ready for this?” Spencer clarifies.

Aria seems to consider that for a long moment, before deciding, “Yes, I do. I really, really do.”

“So do I,” Spencer says truthfully. “And maybe…” She pauses, gathering her feelings. “Maybe that could be okay. At least until we figure out what’s going on here.”

“You think so?” Aria asks hopefully.

“I think so.”

Spencer wraps an arm around Aria’s small frame, pulling her close. She presses a kiss to the top of Aria’s head and feels Aria let out a contended sigh against her chest. 

 _And_ _I will never, never again run away from life. Or from love, either._

The house is silent, save for the occasional crackle and pop from the fire. Outside is freezing cold, but Spencer feels warm from head to toe. Aria is _here_ , safe and sound in her arms. 

And for now, that is enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Such a long conclusion! There will be an epilogue after the Emison and Vandermarin chunks are written. Also, portions of Melissa and Spencer's dialogue are taken from 5x07 and 5x11. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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